Boots don't fit me.

Over the past five years of living in Boston, I've learned that one can only wear so many layers. It is generally not possible to wear two sweaters, for instance.

This is why it's important to have all the necessary cold weather accoutrements. The coat is perhaps the most vital of these, but I'll address that later.

Today, I want to talk about boots. Specifically I would like to talk about how they don't fit me at all.

My mom and I were discussing this on Sunday night, when she encouraged me to do a little economy-stimulating. I explained that boot shopping is particularly frustrating for me because 90% of the time, I can't zip the boots all the way up. She told me she has the exact same problem and made some noises about it being genetic and how our legs are too short.

My mother's legs are shorter than most, so maybe boots hit her calves in a funny place. She's just shy of 5', so that seems plausible. I've got a good five inches on her though, so I'm pretty sure that's not my problem.

I went shopping on Monday night and found a pair of beautiful black leather boots. I was excited. Here they were! My everyday winter shoes! My legs would be cold no longer!

And then I tried them on. Tug as I might, that zipper was not going to budge. The sales associate assured me that they would fit, and that they could be stretched. Call me vain, but I'd rather not buy a pair of boots than need to have them professionally stretched out.

Another associate came by. Oh, those won't fit? Let me zip them for you!

The scene was a bit like when you call tech support and say you can't print and they ask you if your printer is plugged in.

There I was, assuring the sales associates that the boots were lovely and that I would have loved to walk out with them, but that they simply didn't fit. And there they were, telling me that they did fit, I just didn't know how to zip up a pair of boots.

I'm not thrilled by the immediate assumption that the problem can't be that I have fat calves, it must be that I'm just be too stupid to put shoes on.

So I'm sitting there with a very polite stranger holding my leg up by the ankle (no Paint drawing this time, folks). He pulls at the boots. At the zipper. He folds my jeans in closer to my leg.

This zipper is not going anywhere.

"It's really ok," I said. "I have funny shaped calves, a lot of boots don't fit me."
"No, no, no. It's these boots. They are strange."

Right.

For the record, the exact same thing happened with the second pair of boots I tried on.

I am not inclined to blame an article of clothing for not fitting. Sure, some cuts are more flattering than others, but if I try on a size 2 dress and it doesn't fit, that's probably not the dress's fault. It's not because it's a cheap, poorly made dress. It's because I'm not a size 2. (By the way, my diet of Dove Miniatures and frozen pizza is going really well!)

As you know, I'm not at all opposed to being pandered to by retail companies, so I'd like to formally invite any and all shoe manufacturers to pander to me and start making boots for people who have legs that don't resemble those of a stick-insect.